I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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