The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
