he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
