I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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