I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Randomize
