I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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