I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize