Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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