when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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