Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
