i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
