Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
your room smells of hookers.
And success
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I deserve to be covered in dicks
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Randomize
