and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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