She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
