He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize