Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
