It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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