soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Randomize
