She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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