If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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