Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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