i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
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