Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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