at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
