my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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