I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
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