2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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