I didn't shave. On purpose
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
