Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
So many bounce houses so little time
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
