Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize