Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
