At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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