when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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