1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Is Oprah even human
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
