I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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