I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
i think i just lost a toe
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
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