Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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