her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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