I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
He called his prostate his "boner button".
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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