I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
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