I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Randomize
