My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
