I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Randomize
