I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Randomize
