as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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