Pappa wants mamma naked
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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