I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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