At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
