My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
