her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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