you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
These tits shall not be calmed
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize