Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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