So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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