just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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