My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
