Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
