Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
