Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
zippers are such a cool invention
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
