apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Randomize
