i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Randomize
