I look better un-naked...
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Randomize