i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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