Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
