Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
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