Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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