Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
there is glitter all over my balls
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
